Jeb Bush, despite coming in sixth place with less than 3 percent of the vote at the Iowa caucuses, celebrated a “mission accomplished” late last afternoon.
The announcement, which was made aboard the Bush family aircraft carrier, was met with confused applause from his gathered supporter.
According to a release from the campaign, aides have been working around the clock to construct a false reality where the candidate is winning.
“The campaign has had to channel resources towards this project ever since poor Jeb suffered an emotional breakdown two weeks ago,” said Campaign Manager Barbara Bush.
One anonymous source revealed that fellow candidate Donald Trump even helped to prevent further trauma to poor Jeb by not showing up last debate, but disguised the kindness in order to maintain his carefully cultivated bad boy image.
Campaign intern George W. Bush quietly informed Stubhill News that the campaign was bleeding cash, and any contributions would be welcome.
“Better yet, if you could actually start supporting this fella you would really be doing us a solid,” said George in a hushed tone. “Most importantly, everyone just needs to roll with it for a little while, man. Oh, crap. Shhhhhh! Be quiet. Here he comes.”