Jeb Bush was spotted last Sunday night at the Des Moines, Iowa “Boys and Girls Club” trying to gather part of the electorate he hasn’t had since 1983. That fateful year was the last time Jeb would be part of the DC hardcore music scene or, as he affectionately calls it, “the scene.”
Jeb’s favorite band, Minor Threat, had broken up, and like many straight edge kids, he was heartbroken. Fast forward to 2016 and his X’s may be faded but the spirit still lives inside him.
“He asked us to go down to the local Kinko’s to print off these flyers, and then go to the mall to hand them out. I have no idea what or who ‘Terror’ is or a ‘Casey Jones’ but he was pretty adamant about it,” revealed one Bush campaign intern. “When I asked him why he just replied, ‘just fucking do it faggot and stop being a fucking poser!’ I figured he was just practicing hate speech for the local church event next week.”
After entering the venue, Jeb imminently ripped off his suit to reveal his favorite vintage Fugazi shirt circa 1987 to prove he wasn’t a poser.
The lineup for the packed house of almost 67 people was in fact Terror and a reunited Casey Jones.
After giving a rousing speech about posers in the scene, including his hatred of The Ghost Inside and A Day to Remember, he asked Terror to kick things off with their hit “Keeper of the Faith.”
After Terror’s set, in which Jeb opened up the first pit, he joined Casey Jones for a guest vocal spot on “Know This X” where he called out fellow Floridia Republican and GOP candidate Marco Rubio for being a “pop punk poser” whom is “not really down with the scene.”
Jeb signed some autographs and took a group photo where he “locked it down” for the camera.
Jeb ended the night with a cut to his face and some blood coming from his nose. “I haven’t felt this alive in years,” Jeb was quoted as saying.
He gave one last speech denouncing Neo Nazi punks, such as Donald Trump, and the need for crews to keep the scene pure but open for everyone.
Jeb is slated for a church service meeting next Sunday in Iowa City next Sunday, and then off to New Hampshire that Monday.