Federal Reserve revives lottery ticket purchasing program

Federal Reserve Lottery

Janet Yellen with a complimentary million dollar check for her Fed Chair nomination.

Citing a record PowerBall jackpot, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen announced the Fed would be restarting its lottery ticket purchasing program.

The program had been put on hold early 2014 due to achieving its goal of providing a stable lottery market.

“When the Fed steps in and purchases these tickets it results in a calming effect as it disincentivizes out-of-control lottery jackpots by winning them,” said Yellen. “When the proles catch the scent of quick prosperity they are quick to throw their modest wages at an infinitesimally long shot. This behavior is destructive, and it is up to the all-knowing central bank to keep these poor souls from hurting themselves.”

Yellen said the record PowerBall jackpot sent a warning call to the Fed that the common folk’s hopes needed to be tamed.

“This is my least favorite part of this gig,” said Yellen. “But it has to be done. The sooner we shatter the dreams of the commoners the sooner we can get back to the fun conspiracy stuff.”

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