A day after announcing that bacon and other processed meats cause cancer, the World Health Organization declared all things pleasurable are carcinogenic.

“We could slowly go through and rigorously study everything pleasurable, or we can read the writing on the wall,” said WHO spokesman Deborah Downaire. “We’ve done enough of these studies to see which way the wind blows; everything you love and enjoy gives you cancer.”

WHO issued a 938-page release outlining more than 8 thousand things to avoid, however a disclaimer is provided which insists that the list is merely a loose guideline as pleasure is a matter of individual perception.

“The only sure way to be truly safe is to avoid anything that brings you even the slightest shred of pleasure or comfort,” said a forlorn Downaire.

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