WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has left scientists, farmers, and common sense itself utterly baffled, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has issued a non-negotiable directive to the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA): Effective immediately, all American crops must be watered exclusively with Gatorade—or the USDA will face immediate termination.
The bold declaration was announced during an impromptu press conference held at an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese, where DOGE representatives—wearing matching tracksuits for reasons unknown—laid out their grand vision for the future of American agriculture.
“It’s 2025, people. Water is outdated,” said DOGE Secretary Chadwick “Big Chug” Henderson, as he cracked open a bottle of Glacier Freeze and took an aggressive sip. “Science has evolved. Technology has advanced. And it’s time we stop holding our crops back with old-school, 1800s-style hydration.”
The USDA, which had previously been occupied with less important matters like food safety and sustainability, has 48 hours to comply or risk being, in the words of DOGE’s official decree, “swiftly dissolved like a sugar-free sports drink in lukewarm water.”
The Science™ Behind the Decision
DOGE’s research, which they assure the public was conducted “very scientifically,” allegedly proves that Gatorade is superior to water in every conceivable way.
“If it hydrates athletes, why wouldn’t it hydrate plants?” asked Dr. Bryson “Bry-Guy” McFlurry, DOGE’s self-described Chief of Plant Gains. “Think about it. Water has no electrolytes. Zero flavor. No branding. Meanwhile, Gatorade is loaded with essential nutrients—sodium, potassium, and those other things that sound sciencey.”
DOGE’s 100-page scientific report, titled “Plants Crave Electrolytes: The Future of Hydration”, includes a variety of evidence supporting their claims, including:
- A PowerPoint slide with fire emojis
- An in-depth analysis of the 2006 documentary Idiocracy
- A quote from LeBron James stating Gatorade makes him “feel good”
- A bar graph with no labels, but impressive color gradients
Despite the lack of peer-reviewed research, DOGE remains firm. “Look, if you wanna argue with the facts, be my guest,” Henderson said. “But ask yourself—when was the last time water won an NBA championship?”
The USDA’s Panicked Response
The USDA, which is generally not accustomed to being threatened with termination over a sports drink, scrambled to respond to DOGE’s order.
“This is absolutely absurd,” said USDA spokesperson Dr. Linda Fairbanks, who looked visibly exhausted. “Plants have been surviving on water for millions of years. Water is a universal solvent. It is literally the foundation of life itself. This is not how biology works.”
DOGE, however, was not impressed.
In a follow-up statement posted to their official Snapchat story, the department dismissed the USDA’s concerns as “outdated, boring, and totally cringe.” They then doubled down, suggesting that farmers also consider misting crops with Monster Energy “for that extra boost.”
The Agricultural Community Reacts
Across the country, farmers are struggling to process the news. Earl Jenkins, a corn farmer from Iowa, was still in shock.
“So, let me get this straight,” Jenkins said, scratching his head. “They want me to replace my entire irrigation system with… Gatorade?”
After a long pause, he added, “I mean… I guess?”
While some farmers remain skeptical, others are reportedly open to the idea, especially after receiving mysterious shipments of free Gatorade-branded irrigation equipment at their doorsteps.
“They even sent us a promotional DVD titled ‘Agriculture 2.0: The Future is Thirsty,’ narrated by Guy Fieri,” said Melissa Owens, a soybean farmer in Nebraska. “I don’t understand what’s happening, but at this point, I’m just rolling with it.”
Corporate America Smells Opportunity
In an entirely coincidental turn of events, Gatorade’s parent company, PepsiCo, has fully endorsed DOGE’s initiative, calling it “the boldest step in agricultural innovation since sliced bread.”
PepsiCo’s CEO, Jonathan “J-Money” Witherspoon, released a statement shortly after the directive was announced.
“We at PepsiCo have always been committed to solving the world’s most pressing issues, such as ‘How can we sell more Gatorade?’ and ‘What if Cheetos came in drinkable form?’ This partnership with DOGE is a game-changer, and we are honored to usher in a new era of high-performance farming.”
Industry insiders suggest that PepsiCo is already developing a line of plant-specific Gatorade flavors, including:
- “Corn Fuel” (extra potassium for sturdy stalks!)
- “Soybean Surge” (now with added fiber!)
- “Extreme Wheat Blast” (we’re not sure what’s in it, but it sounds important!)
What’s Next?
As DOGE’s hydration revolution sweeps the nation, experts fear this may only be the beginning of their agricultural overhaul. Leaked internal memos suggest that upcoming policies could include:
- Replacing fertilizer with protein powder
- Feeding cows a strict diet of Red Bull and beef jerky
- Genetically modifying tomatoes to be “more jacked”
Meanwhile, President Biden has yet to comment on the situation. However, sources inside the White House claim he was last seen staring at a glass of water in deep contemplation, whispering, “Have I been drinking wrong this whole time?”
With the deadline looming, the USDA must now choose: Give in to DOGE’s demands and flood America’s fields with Gatorade… or risk being wiped from existence.
One thing is clear—the future of farming is about to get a lot more electrolytic.
Stubhill News 