In a move destined to leave theologians and devout Christians scratching their heads, Senator JD Vance took to a small Ohio town hall meeting last night to share a new perspective on the life of Jesus Christ, describing his time on Earth as “sad” and “meaningless” due to his apparent lack of offspring.

“It’s really unfortunate, isn’t it?” Vance mused, while leaning casually on the podium, as if preparing for a TED Talk on why family values should be retroactively applied to religious figures. “He didn’t even have any kids. What was the point of it all? No family legacy. Nothing. He just wandered around the desert, did a few miracles, died, and… well, that’s about it. Where’s the purpose? The fulfillment?

Vance, the author of Hillbilly Elegy and a noted couch potato, has recently made it clear that he believes strongly in traditional family values. In fact, his speech last night seemed to imply that without children, not even the Savior of humanity can escape the label of a life gone astray.

“Look, I’m just saying, what’s the point of dying for humanity’s sins if you don’t even leave behind a few kids to carry on the family name?” Vance continued.. “I mean, my grandma always said, ‘Don’t trust a man who doesn’t have kids.’ I think the same applies to, well, anyone. Even Jesus.”

Social media, of course, wasted no time responding. One Twitter user quipped, “So… JD Vance just subtweeted Jesus, right? When is the Sermon on the Child Tax Credit?” Another added, “Maybe if Jesus had a couple of soccer practices to attend, he wouldn’t have bothered with that whole ‘dying for our sins’ thing.”

Undeterred, Vance doubled down later in his speech, pointing out that even the miracles lacked any real staying power. “Sure, he healed the blind, fed the hungry—great stuff. But imagine what he could have done with a couple of toddlers to really test his patience. Then we’d know if he was really divine.”

Some of Vance’s closest allies were quick to come to his defense, albeit cautiously. “JD has always been a big advocate of the nuclear family,” one staffer noted. “I don’t think he meant to undermine Jesus—just that, you know, every guy could use a little more purpose. And that purpose is children.”

As the speech wrapped up, Vance left the crowd with a call to action: “I’m not saying we should rewrite the Bible, folks, but maybe we can add a chapter where Jesus meets a nice girl and settles down. Just something to think about as we approach the next election cycle.”

As theologians scramble to issue public statements, the nation waits with bated breath, eager to hear if Moses, Buddha, and the Apostle Paul will also be downgraded in the coming weeks for their lack of progeny.