Attorney General Jeff Sessions has announced that he has directed the U.S. Justice Department to seek the death penalty against the distributors of tobacco.
Tobacco use is responsible for more than half a million deaths in the U.S. every year according to the CDC, or almost twenty times more than the opioid epidemic.
“We don’t care if you’re a big tobacco CEO, a farmer, or just some gas station clerk,” said Sessions. “If you are spreading the devil’s weed, then, by golly, we are coming for you!”
The move marks a rare moment of logical consistency for Sessions.
At press time, gas station clerks were oddly supportive of the policy.