President Donald Trump vowed to work as a “mediator, an arbitrator or a facilitator” between the Israelis and Palestinians as he welcomed Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas to the White House.

As proof of his ability to achieve peace in a hopeless situation, Trump pointed to the Trump-O’Donnell War which lasted from 2006-2013 and claimed the lives of 17 of Trump’s children and left Donald Trump Jr. with a traumatic brain injury.

“Look at how I resolved the very public and seemingly intractable conflict between Rosie O’Donnell and myself,” said Trump in an uncharacteristically coherent string of words. “It has been years since Rosie or I have killed members of each other’s family. ”

Trump said that in resolving the Israeli-Palestinian he would likely draw inspiration from how he imagines President Andrew Jackson would have prevented or resolved the Civil War.

At press time, residents of Israel and Palestine were already uniting in laughter.

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