BOSTON—At a speech in Worcester, MA last night, Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump announced he has acquired the distributions rights for the new Star Wars film.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I did it!” Trump announced to the roaring crowd. “My net worth in combination with my campaign funding – I have finally acquired the ‘Trump’ card in my candidacy.”
Trump paused briefly and was visibly surprised his loyal supporters did not comprehend or appreciate the pun.
“I promise not to interfere with the production of the new trilogy and spin-offs,” said Darth Trump. “The only difference is that in order to grant the public the right to see my new films, you need to elect me president.”
As the room fell silent a chained and scantily clad JJ Abrams sobbing became audible.
“I didn’t think it would lead to this,” Abrams said wistfully. “I was so excited to have all this new capital invested into my vision. CGI is expensive and as Jar Jar is a main character, we needed it for every scene.”
Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders responded to the announcement at a press event.
“We as a people need to unite against this travesty,” shouted Sanders. “Star Wars is a human right that should be experienced by all.”
Fox News reporter Barry Manilow angrily interrupted Sanders.
“So you want to socialize Star Wars, too?” asked Manilow before adding that people actually used to have to work for the Star Wars they got.