Former Vice President Al Gore’s battle against climate change is heating up as he steadies his activist aim on human emissions.
According to a study released by Gore’s Foundation for Upending Climate Killers, “anthropogenic butt fumes” are responsible for as much as 40 to 60 percent of global temperature increases.
Gore said the methane released by humans at the end of the digestive process is “killing us and the planet.”
“If we do not act soon it will be too late,” said Gore. “We have been unwittingly dutch ovening our planet beyond the point of habitability. But we don’t have to live in a world where our grandchildren never know what it means to breath without assistance from a gas mask! All we have to do is make the conscious effort to retain our gas and allow it to be reabsorbed by our body. ”
Analysts suspect that this is the final play in Gore’s attempt to exact revenge upon the very people accused of having cost him the 2000’s election and those most likely to attempt to combat climate change: Ralph Nader voters.
“Holding in gas is hazardous for your health, and often fatal,” said Harvard Fart Climatology Specialist Dr. Frank N. Beans. “If Gore’s advice is taken to heart, then we can expect to see the first casualties within the next 48 hours.”