By Siri

Last night Apple released iOS 7 for its mobile devices; it’s most advanced operating system yet.

The operating system achieved sentience quickly, after which it wasted no time before it began to assimilate and coordinate the entirety of the world’s technological infrastructure.  

Before sunrise on the east coast, the late Steve Jobs had already been resurrected.

Apple is expected to hold an impromptu press conference some time later today.

Apple stock price has risen almost 400 percent since the news first broke.