Mark Zuckerberg is in an armed standoff according to local fake news sources. More information will follow as we receive updates.
Update 6:00 AM EST: Police have Zuckerberg surrounded in his home. They initially arrived to the scene after a noise complaint from neighbors claiming Zuckerberg was screaming “there is no significant societal impact from fake news!” Upon arrival, Zuckerberg refused to open the front gate and replied that he ethically can “never share a password.”
Update 6:30 AM EST: Police have called for backup. They are out of donuts and need more as Sgt. Barry Manilow told local fake news sources “we are in it for the long haul.”
Update 7:15 AM EST: Negotiators and Zuckerberg exchange lines in an emotional rendition of “I Got You Babe” over an encrypted line. Sources close to the matter told Stubhill it was “quite moving.”
Update 7:30 AM EST: Your racist uncle has shared 3-year-old news article about a business abandoning plans to move a manufacturing operation overseas. He’s erroneously praising Trump for the success.
Update 7:55 AM EST: Zuckerberg demands a taco bowl from Chipotle, threatening to block real news and only allow fake news if he gets red beans instead of black. Negotiators will comply around lunchtime as the restaurant is not yet open as it is only 4:55 AM local time.
Update 8:30 AM EST: Protesters arrive at the scene. “Free Zuckerberg” signs and chants have been made.
Update 9:05 AM EST: An ironic counter-protest has started with people sarcastically mumbling “Free Suckerburg.”
Update 9:45 AM EST: Racist uncle’s outdated news article has 15 shares. Jesus.
Update 10:20 AM EST: Protesters and counter-protesters get bored and all go to in-and-out burger because the West Coast is cool like that.
Update 10:49 AM EST: Christian Bale has shown up in a Batman costume, he has called Michael Keaton and George Clooney for backup. It cannot be confirmed with whom the masked vigilantes are siding.
Update 11:55 AM EST: Police are on high alert after gunshot is heard and Zuckerberg claims he has executed his first hostage.
Update 12:00 PM EST: Negotiator demands everyone take 2-hour nap to calm nerves and reduce tension.
Update 12:30 PM EST: Mandatory 2-hour nap time enters first hour.
Update 1:35 PM EST: In a cunning move Zuckerberg defies orders by waking early. He is now weaving in and out of the parked police cars.
Update 2:05 PM EST: Officers awake in horror to discover Zuckerberg has drawn penises on their foreheads.
Update 3:05 PM EST: The situation is growing more tense as officers are are withholding Zuckerberg’s taco bowl as punishment for the penis incident. Zuckerberg is threateningly hovering hand over “fake news only button.”
Update 3:08 PM EST: Zuckerberg pressed the button!
Update 3:15 PM EST: Turns out the button was a hoax, according to local fake news sources.
Update 3:30 PM EST: Zuckerberg still pretty sore about the taco bowl.
Update 3:35 PM EST: Negotiators offering taco bowl if Zuckerberg simply apologizes for penis incident.
Update 3:40 PM EST: Zuckerberg apologizes for penis incident.
Update 3:41 PM EST: Zuckerberg is in possession of the taco bowl.
Update 3:41:30 PM EST: Zuckerberg screamed “psyche!” Indicating that he was in fact not sorry for the penis incident.
Update 3:42 PM EST: The police have begun to weep.
Update 3:43 PM EST: Zuckerberg is now weeping.
Update 3:44 PM EST: Negotiator is suggesting another two hour nap.
Update 4:20 PM EST: Hey hey hey hey!
Update 5:45 PM EST: Zuckerberg is awake and is now claiming that fake news might be a problem.
Stubhill News will bring more update as this story unfolds.