China #1 in secret executions, Trump vows to take lead

Republican presidential frontrunner and former comedian Donald Trump is demanding that the United States execute more criminals.

The demands come after Amnesty International released a report detailing China’s execution record compared to the rest of the world.

“China’s stellar execution rate will look like chump change after a Trump presidency,” said Trump. “It’s going to be called the execute-ive branch when I’m done with it. Get it? Execute. Ive. Branch. It would probably make more sense if it was written out.”

Trump later issued a single-page memo in a 34 point comic sans font outlining how a policy of increased executions could lower the cost of building the border wall:

“We’ll use their bodies as building material. Bada bing, bada boom! Buck saved.”

Cruz responded with a position nearly identical to Trump, but delivered it with a bit more polish, so it seemed kind of moderate, but really wasn’t at all once you thought about it later.

I’m so sick of writing about Trump. Please make it stop.