Congress passed a bill Wednesday designed to keep consumers in a state of perpetual holiday shopping.
The law will require all U.S. territories to set their calendars back exactly one month on the Sunday following Christmas, effectively creating a never-ending monthly cycle of Black Friday sales events.
The stock market responded favorably to the news as companies began to raise guidance in anticipation of the indefinitely-extended fourth quarter.
Representatives from the mental health industry cautioned that they will not be prepared in time to take the increased patient load due to over-stressed retail workers.
However, they also said that this does not mean they are against the bill, because “gifts.”
President Obama said he was eager to sign the bill into law.
“The law will certainly spur growth in several economic sectors,” said Obama. “Not only that, but I never have to leave office now that election day will never come.”
While the development of Obama’s now endless second term would seem likely to draw ire from the president’s usual detractors, the promise of a Christmas every month has Republicans satisfied.
“It’s kind of like taking a sensual swim through a swimming pool-sized banana split sundae ordained by our lord and savior Jesus Christ,” said Republican food analogist Mike Huckabee. “You just can’t be mad.”