Obama vows to use N-word more often

Set your DVR, because President Obama has vowed to use the N-Word again. Obama made the announcement after appearing on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast earlier this week. “After using the N-word on the Podcast, that was all people could talk about.” Obama said. “Suddenly the TPP, job numbers, Benghazi…all gone. No one cared.” Obama expressed regret…

Senator Rand Paul dead after accidental drone strike

Washington D.C.— Kentucky Senator of GOP presidential hopeful Rand Paul was found dead in his backyard this afternoon due to an apparent drone strike. The late senator and son of Texas congressman Ron Paul is perhaps best known as a child actor for his role as Ferguson in the Nickelodeon classic Clarissa Explains it All.…

House Republicans threaten to murder 232 puppies if Obamacare is not unfunded by midnight

In a final push to derail the Affordable Care Act, House Republicans simultaneously revealed puppies that each had smuggled into the house. After several minutes of ominous silence and menacing stares from Republican representatives, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) confirmed that the puppies were a final attempt to force the Democrat’s into conceding defeat and averting a…