Ala. Chief Justice Roy Moore begs Supreme Court to let him at least ban interracial gay marriage
Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore begs U.S. Supreme Court to allow modest discrimination.
Bradley Cooper murdered 17 men to prepare for his role in American Sniper
Bradley Cooper, the star of the blockbuster movie American Sniper, says he prepared for the role of sniper Chris Kyle by strangling 17 men to their deaths. According to Cooper he used the murders as a method acting technique to help get into the mindset of Kyle. “I moved in with Kyle’s widow, legally married her…
Darren Wilson not indicted just in time for annual, heated Thanksgiving dinner conversation
A St. Louis County grand jury declined to indict Officer Darren Wilson, 28, for totally not overreacting and firing six shots in an August confrontation that killed an unarmed, 18-year-old Michael Brown. Your ambiguously racist family members were already preparing their unrestrained gloating at press time. “I just don’t know why all them protesters don’t…
U.S. to use targeted drone strikes to combat Ebola
Top military officials quietly announced plans today to eradicate Ebola through brute military force. According to the brief document released on the Joint Cheifs of Staff’s tumblrs, the first stage of the noncontroversial plan involves targeting hospitals in stricken regions, such as West Africa, Dallas and Boston. “This is entirely in our wheelhouse, as it…
Republicans vow to block Eric Holder’s resignation, announce lawsuit
Republican leadership issued a statement this morning which revealed plans to obstruct the resignation of Attorney General Eric Holder. “This is just another example in a long list of where the current administration is in the wrong,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), “there are checks and balances, and we intend to make sure they…
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