Leftbook cancels Rouhani over ableism, backs regime change for Iran

In geopolitics, it is often said that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” This week, the world is witnessing the weirdest geopolitical curve ball since since the Molotov Ribbentrop pact.

On Tuesday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani declared that the Trump administration was suffering from mental disabilities, but insidiously opted to use the “R word” to describe said disability. This did not sit well with one of Iran’s most powerful ally: Leftbook.

“It’s like Rouhani doesn’t even care,” stated Ció “Stalin Daddy” Boseman, one of the admins on the Facebook group “Sounds like Ableism but ok?”

“We looked past the mandatory hijabs and thought we had a critical ally against American imperialism,” said Boseman. “Do you know how many weeks of self-care it’s going to take to heal my heart from this wound?”

Boseman, who looks very little like his profile picture of a communist anime character, went on to tell me that the group took a vote to condemn Rouhani and back regime change.

The comment section was naturally filled with the same opinion, though worded differently, with several members having their request for “trigger warnings” promptly fulfilled.

The only form of dissent came from members asking to use gender-neutral pronouns for Rouhani until he chooses to publicly identify.

Those members were told to “shut up and stay in your lane or else get blocked!”

The Leftbook hivemind then continued by screenshotting Rouhani’s comments and cancelling him from any future Leftbook debates.

“We called him out, but he is refusing to self crit so he leaves us no choice,” proclaimed the hivemind in its collective, telepathic voice. “He’s cancelled! Regime change is inevitable.”

We reached out U.S. National Security Advisory, John Bolton, about the emerging coalition for Iranian regime change.

“I’m glad these pink-haired communists have finally seen the light,” said Bolton. “Usually, we’d to systematically destroy these groups from the inside. Lucky for us, with social media, these leftist organizations tend to do that themselves. The state department would like to thank ISO for imploding, which saved us a lot of money.”

ISO was a socialist organization that folded earlier this year due to problematic leadership and other internal conflicts.

We reached out to Iran and for an official statement about President Rouhani’s cancelling. The statement we received as followed

“What the fuck is a Leftbook,” asked a quizzical Rouhani. Upon a detailed explanation, Rouhani remarked “it seems all within the evil empire are afflicted by mental retardation.”

Sadly, it looks like some people will never change.

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