The nation was briefly burdened by sadness and concern today at news of a mass killing until it was determined that the killer lacked any obvious ideological motive.
The nation’s panic was calmed after authorities confirmed that the killer was merely a disgruntled employee.
The public promptly released a simultaneous sigh of relief as there was no evidence that the killer’s actions were motivated by either racial, political or religious beliefs.
It was welcome news for Gerald Rubberneck, a previously concerned citizen.
“It was really touch and go there for a few hours,” said Rubberneck. “It really ruined my early morning thinking that I’d have to be concerned over the next 48 hours news cycle. Now we can all get back to our lives because we all know there is absolutely no societal burden or public policy solution for this type of tragedy.”