Obama renames recently renamed mountain after himself

President Obama responded to criticisms for his recent renaming of Mount McKinley to its original, native name of “Denali” by changing the name to Mount Barack Hussein Obama.

In addition, the visibly nonchalant Obama announced that he would also be changing his legal name to “The Mountain That Rides.”

The Mountain said he plans to use a new strategy of “giving people something to really complain about” until his detractors learn to “stop futzin’ with [him].”

At press time, The Mountain was laughing.

Mt. Obama

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World leaders urge the United States to build wall around itself

Proposed United States' border wall

Proposed United States’ border wall.

In response to the United States 2016 presidential candidates, the United Nations held an emergency meeting to pressure the United States into building a giant wall around the perimeter of the entire country.

Citing the Republican Party’s record on gay rights, healthcare, environmental issues, and a woman’s right to choose, world leaders voted almost unanimously to encourage current President Barack Obama to start the wall immediately, emphasizing the need to preemptively contain the problem before the Christo-­Fascist ideas can spread.

“That country clearly has no intention of electing the best and brightest to represent them, and we do not need their kind influencing France,” shouted French President Françios Hollande during one press conference.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel stressed the German people’s resolve to not sit idly by while history repeats itself.

“We aren’t going through this shit again,” said Merkel. “We gave them a pass when they elected and reelected Bush, we are not going to give them a chance to screw us again.”

Russian President Vladamir Putin also gave support to the wall plan.

“There is one sign the Americans can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of freedom and peace,” said Putin. “President Barack Obama, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the World, if you seek liberalization, come here to this gate. Mr. Obama, close this gate. Mr. Obama, put up this wall”

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that their countries will begin unilateral construction of walls along their land borders with the United States.

The walls, which Mexico and Canada describe as a gift, will be inscribed with “One Nation, Under Wall.”

At press time, Republican strategists were trying to figure out a way to disagree with something they’ve wanted for so long.

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Billy Joel charged with arson

billy-joel-didnt-start-the-fireSinger-songwriter William Martin “Billy” Joel has been charged by authorities with multiple counts of arson from the 1980s.

Lead detective Creed Ulysse, said that Joel was the initial suspect, but had effectively derailed the investigation through the cunning use of song.

“Even if the chorus wasn’t completely convincing, there was no way we could have found a jury pool that wasn’t tainted during that time.” said Ulysse. “Saturating the airwaves to make the public associate you with not having started the fire was a brilliant move.”

Ulysse said he recently realized he’d been deceived while he was reading the song’s Wikipedia page and discovered that the song wasn’t really about an actual fire.

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Former GOP Congressman Ron Paul joins ISIS

isis flagLast week, Ron Paul, the former Republican congressman, and father of the late presidential candidate Rand Paul, announced he would be joining ISIS.

The announcement was made at Paul’s recent 80th birthday celebration.

Paul said the decision stems from their shared preference of the gold standard and opposition to the United State’s foreign policy.

“I understand this may seem like a perplexing move to some,” said Paul. “Inspect my political record and you will see I have a long history of throwing my name in with a bunch of religious ideologues and extremists because of a couple shared positions.”

Stubhill contacted Paul and he informed us that his first two days have gone “quite smoothly.”

“I was a bit disappointed to see there was less human sacrifice involved than a typical gathering of Congress,” said Paul. “But I guess you just have to remember it’s a different culture over here.”

ron paul isis

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Gay activists disappointed to find marriage already destroyed by heterosexuals

MarriageSt. Louis—It’s been almost two months since  the Supreme Court ruling that made same sex marriage legal in all 50 states, but not everything is happily ever after for the nation’s homosexuals. In the wake of what was expected to be the beginning of the end of a long journey for gay activists, the goal of the movement appears to have already been accomplished . . . by their opposition.

“After a lifetime of oppression and mistreatment by traditional America, I knew that simple equality wasn’t going to be adequate reparations for past abuses,” Roger Scott says wistfully.

For decades, Scott, a 72-year-old activist, has worked on what was known only within the community as the Gay Agenda. Scott claims movement leaders devised a plan 20 years ago called Operation Slippery Slope.

“At first it was little things, like just not getting our asses kicked for being gay. From there we moved on to try to normalize homosexuality by attempting to live openly, and then we pushed for anti-discrimination laws.”

Scott’s partner of 47 years, Bill Sawyer, has been an equally active participant.

“Some people started to get suspicious, of course. We were accused of trying to turn children gay, but that was never our primary goal,” Roger says gaily. “It was fun to watch it happen, but we were just as surprised by anyone else to see all these confused teens suddenly coming out of the closet.”

“The goal has always been the complete destruction of traditional marriage,” Roger goes on to say. “It was a closely kept secret among the gay network, but we did come close to being exposed. Fortunately, the opposition did a poor job of making their case, and most of America just couldn’t imagine that a group just asking for basic human rights could be after something so sinister.”

“Oh my God,” Bill says. “I still laugh about that. We were exposed and for a while we thought we were done for, but who believed these jokers?”

Roger details the unravelling of the agenda, and how America’s gay movement ended with a sputter.

“We had warnings. The 50 percent divorce rate was a big tip off. An infidelity rate hovering about 25 percent. Marriage was already becoming a mockery by the time the Agenda started to pick up steam. Britney Spears’ three day marriage. The Bachelor. At this point we were nervous that some other group was actively working toward the same ends.”

As it turns out, that other group was the heterosexuals themselves.

Bill minces no words. “By the time the initial high wore off from the ruling, it was clear that they’d beat us to the punch. Politicians always getting caught in affairs. TV shows and movies making light of infidelity. Tabloids celebrating the marital problems of strangers in big block print right at the grocery store checkout. It’s like, ‘Oh my god, these people are fucking animals.’ Not literally, I guess. Though, it wouldn’t surprise me.”

Roger’s face exposes a deep sadness as he describes the moment they knew they had failed. “By the time the Ashley Madison news broke, we knew it was over. Tens of thousands of heteros signing up on a site specifically to cheat on a loved one? It was done. There was nothing left to destroy.”

Roger and Bill admit that they do take comfort in knowing their life’s work had completed, but not being able to take credit for the utter destruction of a cherished institution has left them both with lingering disappointment.

“I suppose we could take up knitting,” says Roger.

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Foo Fighter’s Dave Grohl replaces broken leg with guitar

dave grohly articleKANSAS CITY, Mo.—Friday night at the Sprint Center, before an almost sold-out crowd of more than 15,000, Foo Fighter’s lead singer Dave Grohl revealed he had undergone surgery to replace his broken leg with his favorite guitar.

Grohl said that the current tour showed him that his custom Gibson Memphis ES-335 was far more important and precious to him than his “shitty right leg.”

For much of the current tour Grohl has been performing with a broken leg due to an injury he suffered in Sweden while accidentally rocking out too hard.

The surgery makes Grohl the first documented rock god cyborg.

Grohl also announced a fund to help poor children with broken limbs augment their bodies with instruments of their choice.

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Trump to build wall to prevent emigration to Mexico

In an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, Republican presidential front runner and billionaire comedian Donald Trump elaborated on his plans to build a wall at the Mexico-United States border.

“I don’t want to lose any Americans – some of these losers think they can just hop fence to evade their responsibilities as an American” said Trump. “If and when I’m president, America will belong to me, and I won’t be losing any Americans. I won’t have it!”

Trump also unveiled plans to end American tourism.

“We should focus on American tourism, like the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas,” said Trump. “And let’s not stop there! I am sick and tired of American citizens taking long weekends in Canada – we need to a build a wall to protect this great nation from spending its money elsewhere!”

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Cuomo asked Trump if plans for the wall had anything to do with Americans fleeing in the event of a Trump presidency.

Trump defiantly responded with “what kind of stupid questions is that? What? Are you – are you on the rag? America is great! Everyone will stay. I will be so great to everyone, trust me.”

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