Scandal: Sanders campaign aides caught in an act of capitalism


Three aides for the Bernie Sanders presidential campaign were caught in an act of domestic capitalism at a local 7-Eleven earlier today.

Controversy arises from the fact that Sanders is the presidential campaign’s only self-avowed communist.

Stubhill News caught the aides attempting to buy several items at the nearby 7-Eleven with currency which represents the alienation of working class labor.

The aides were obviously nervous when our team approached them, and offered only giggles and knowing glances at each other when asked what inspired their capitalist selection.

Sanders quickly and forcefully responded to the news.

“Quite frankly, I find this news disgusting,” said Sanders. “We do not know where our aides even received capital, but, rest assured, we are going to look into it to make sure this disaster, or one like it, never happens again.”

“Our commune has all the Ben & Jerry’s and organic microwave burritos they could have wanted, and the one item they bought[Sander’s audibly gagged at this word]… that we don’t have isn’t even good,” said Sanders. “Doritos are nothing more than an imperialist bastardization of a proud Mexican chip.”

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Nestlé secures exclusive contract to bottle and sell Martian water


The Nestlé Aeronautics and Space Administration announced today that water is flowing on Mars and that it is all theirs.

“Finders keepers, suckers!” said Nestlé CEO Paul Bulcke before adding a “nanananabooboo!”

This is not the first time an American company has secured exclusive rights to mine a stellar body for resources.

In the 60s, Kraft secured the rights to harvest cheese from the Moon, but humanity soon discovered the Moon’s composition was not as we had long assumed, and thus Velveeta was born.

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Longtime welfare queen off the dole

WASHINGTON D.C.—House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) announced his resignation early Friday morning.

Boehner said he would step down as speaker and resign his senate seat at the end of October.

According to one Boehner aide, the decision is a direct result of personal reflection after the Pope excommunicated the representative yesterday.

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boehner crying

Rep. Boehner weeping after excommunication from the Catholic church.

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Pope mass excommunicates all 164 Catholic members of Congress

pope congress

Pope Francis excommunicated all 164 Catholic members of the U.S. Congress during today’s historic address to a joint-session of Congress, unsurprisingly.

The meeting which lasted all of a minute began with the pontiff asking all of the Catholic in the room to stand before exclaiming “you’re excommunicated” in his best Trump impression.

The Pope declined to go into detail, only adding “you know what you’ve done, now go to your office and think long and hard about it.

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NWA demands Pope stop using “Fuck tha Police” at public events


Pope Francis has caused a stir after the unauthorized use of a classic rap ditty during his first visit to the U.S.

The National Weather Association were quick to publicly demand the Pope cease using their song “Fuck tha Police.”.

“Just because he speaks truth about climate change science doesn’t mean it’s cool to go around stealing our property,” said NWA spokesman O’Shea Jackson. “If he don’t let up, then me and my boys are going to have no choice but to mess his world up, legally.”

This would not be the first time the Pope has faced legal action for the illegal use of a song.

Heavy litigation following the use of the Happy Birthday song during a Christmas ceremony last year nearly bankrupt the Church.

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Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO says he’ll lower the cost of Daraprim to $2,500


A stock photo of pills, none of which are Daraprim.

Martin Shkreli, Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO, announced he would lower the cost of Daraprim after outrage over a price increase that took a single Daraprim pill from $13.50 to $5,000.

Turing Pharmaceuticals is poised to lower the cost of the critical antiparasitic drug Daraprim by a whopping 50 percent to $2,500

Shkreli maintains that the outrage over the price increase was mostly a misunderstanding.

“I was trying to do something beneficial for the AIDs patients and pregnant mothers out there who depend on this pill,” said Shkreli. “I clearly stated that we would ‘give it away totally for free’ to patients who could not afford it, and if my plan had succeeded it wouldn’t have been long before patients couldn’t afford it. It really was going to be quite nice of us, but the internet and its kneejerk army had to get in the way of our master plan!”

Regardless of the generous price decrease, Shkreli believes that the price tag of $2,500 should be enough to bring patients the financial ruin they need in order to receive free pills.

Shkreli concluded the interview by pronouncing “you’re welcome.”

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Trump vows Tom Brady’s support will not stop deportation of Gisele

Gisele deportation featured

At a press conference today, Donald Trump promised supporters that Tom Brady’s friendship with the candidate will not prevent the deportation of Gisele Bündchen, Brady’s Brazilian super model and wife.

“Brady is my friend, but my country comes first,” said Trump. “Gisele is taking away modeling jobs from decent, hard-working Americans, and, if elected, I will not tolerate it!”

Trump continued to address his supporters’ fears by listing over twenty instances where he screwed over his friends.

“Unlike a lot of other things, I have a proven and flawless record when it comes to betrayal,” said Trump. “You can trust that I am not going to all of a sudden let something as meaningless as friendship prevent me from being the callous sack of shit you all know and love.”

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