Trump supports use of Ludovico technique

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Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump has clarified his recent statement about bringing back “a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.”

The comment, which was made at the Republican presidential debate, drew applause from compassionate Christians who walk the path of the Prince of Peace.

When reached for clarification as to which types of techniques Trump favored bringing back, the Trump campaign issued an official statement on Twitter.

“The Ludovico Technique would be huge,” says Trump in the looping, 6-second-long vine video. “Cruz and chumps think they can stop terrorists with faulty, movie-scenario techniques; I will reform them.”

Trump went on to tweet that the technique is the the only proven cure for the old ultra-violence, and that anyone whose cultural palate is more diverse than 24 and Michael Bay should know this.

Political strategist Barry Manilow said the statement is likely signals that the Trump campaign is beginning to make a move for the film snob block of the Republican base.

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Iowa Caucus decision reversed, candidates to receive participation delegates

Participation Site

IOWA—After much disagreement over Monday’s Iowa caucus results, Democrat and the Republican officials have announced that all candidates won.

According to the announcement, all the delegates will be split evenly and the candidates will all receive “participation delegates” as well as medals.

“We really thought everybody did such a good job,” said the officials while nodding to each other. “They all came to Iowa and made some great new friends. In the end it is not about who scores more points – it is about the experience and the memories.”

“Jeb was really happy to receive a trophy in the end because he tried really hard,” said George Bush, a Bush campaign intern.

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Bill Cosby nominated for Nobel Prize

Bill Cosby Site

GENEVA—The world was shocked today to learn that Bill Cosby was selected as a candidate for the 2016 Nobel Peace Prize.

Activists took to the streets across the globe to bring light to the fact that his jokes aren’t even that funny.

A representative from Netflix assured fans that the nomination would not interfere with production of “The Cosby Show” revival the streaming service has been working on.

Cosby himself was rather surprised at his daily press conference over waffles.

“You see,” he said while spitting some waffles onto the table, “I really think this is a turning point in my life. That I can be able to undergo all this hardship to come out a Nobel Prize nominee should be an inspiration to young black men everywhere. Ya see? Theeeo!

At press time, your racist relatives were sharing that quote.

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Jeb Bush celebrates victory, campaign staff begs public to “roll with it”

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Jeb Bush, despite coming in sixth place with less than 3 percent of the vote at the Iowa caucuses, celebrated a “mission accomplished” late last afternoon.

The announcement, which was made aboard the Bush family aircraft carrier, was met with confused applause from his gathered supporter.

According to a release from the campaign, aides have been working around the clock to construct a false reality where the candidate is winning.

“The campaign has had to channel resources towards this project ever since poor Jeb suffered an emotional breakdown two weeks ago,” said Campaign Manager Barbara Bush.

One anonymous source revealed that fellow candidate Donald Trump even helped to prevent further trauma to poor Jeb by not showing up last debate, but disguised the kindness in order to maintain his carefully cultivated bad boy image.

Campaign intern George W. Bush quietly informed Stubhill News that the campaign was bleeding cash, and any contributions would be welcome.

“Better yet, if you could actually start supporting this fella you would really be doing us a solid,” said George in a hushed tone. “Most importantly, everyone just needs to roll with it for a little while, man. Oh, crap. Shhhhhh! Be quiet. Here he comes.”

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Scientists advise public to resist sexual activity with mosquitos

 

ZIKA site

Following news that the Zika virus has been transmitted in the United States for the first time through sexual contact, health experts are warning the public to resist sexy mosquitoes.

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Angry Trump to voters: “You haven’t even seen my final form”

Trump Final Form Site

Fresh off of an upset loss to Ted Cruz in Iowa, a furious Donald Trump addressed a crowd in Iowa, promising Iowa voters that he would not soon forget their betrayal.

“I’m really rich; this is unacceptable,” bellowed Trump.

Trump added that if he didn’t do well in New Hampshire, then he would be forced to reveal his final form.

Trump continued to scold the crowd of increasingly scared onlookers by alluding to his plans for Iowa once he becomes president by putting a spin on a famous line from Cruz.

“I don’t know if corn can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out,” shrieked Trump.

The comment drew immediate criticism from Democratic presidential candidate Barnie Sandlers.

“These comments from Trump are disgusting,” said Sanlders. “I do not believe a presidential candidate should be in the business of threatening to genetically modify corn.”

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Iowa voters report Berning sensation on caucus

Bernie Site

Reports out of Iowa tonight indicate several voters have complained about a strange Berning sensation located on their caucus.

This story is still breaking and Stubhill News will have more as it develops.

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