U.S. to use targeted drone strikes to combat Ebola

Top military officials quietly announced plans today to eradicate Ebola through brute military force.

drone ebolaAccording to the brief document released on the Joint Cheifs of Staff’s tumblrs, the first stage of the noncontroversial plan involves targeting hospitals in stricken regions, such as West Africa, Dallas and Boston.

“This is entirely in our wheelhouse, as it is not unheard of for us to accidentally strike a hospital when meaning to hit a militant target,” reads the statement. “This time the hospitals are our targets, so if we miss the mark it can’t possibly get any worse. Right?”

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Republicans vow to block Eric Holder’s resignation, announce lawsuit

Republican leadership issued a statement this morning which revealed plans to obstruct the resignation of Attorney General Eric Holder.

Eric Holder“This is just another example in a long list of where the current administration is in the wrong,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), “there are checks and balances, and we intend to make sure they remain.”

Boehner announced his party would be suing the administration on the grounds that Republican opposition to Obama’s administration and its policies has become the single pillar of the GOP party, and a policy action which they agree with will damage the brand which they have built for themselves, and thus do them monetary harm.

“We can’t possibly afford to obediently accept the resignation of Mr. Holder,” Boehner said, “and this is a position which you’ve put us in. Thanks, Obama.”

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California unveils nation’s first “all-natural” lethal injection

California Governor Jerry Brown announced today that future death row inmates will be lethally injected using a blend of all-natural, GMO-free superfoods.

Clinching a lusciously-ripe, halved avocado in his left hand, Brown proclaimed “we in the great state of California are prepared to put the days of ending prisoner’s lives with toxic, unnatural chemicals behind us.”

avocadoA press release from Trader Joe’s, the maker of the state’s new lethal injection says the injection is “guaranteed to be all-natural, GMO-free, and gluten-free.”

Brown said the prisoners would first be induced into a natural state of unconsciousness using 20 mg of melatonin and repeated blows to the cranium.

An  environmentally friendly composting plan was also announced for the remains of the executed prisoners.

The move comes in response to a recent federal district judge’s decision that California’s death penalty was in violation of the 8th amendment’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment.

Other states have also been moving to try different methods of execution.

Alabama recently announced a plan to have all of its death row inmates executed by its Chief Justice Roy Moore with stone replicas of the Ten Commandments

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Newly orphaned 11-year-old Palestinian completely understands why his family had to die

flagKhalid Hadawi, an 11 year old whose apartment was destroyed by Israeli Defense Force munitions, said he completely understands why his whole family had to die and that the event will certainly not be the basis for severe emotional trauma or hatred for Israel.

In a press release, a blood-and-tear-soaked Hadawi said:

“Hey, how can I blame Israel? They were nice enough to drop leaflets telling us to evacuate the safety of our home into a city that is currently under bombardment. It’s obviously my family’s fault. I’m definitely not going to be emotionally traumatized and develop a hatred for Israel deeply rooted in the ashes of my home and the blood of my slain family members.That would just be irrational! I mean, who does that? I don’t want to be that guy.”

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What type of personality quiz are you?

ImageYou already know what fictional character, dog, mythological god, and potted plant you are, but what type of personality quiz are you?
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National Hurricane Center announces new naming system

The World Meteorological Organization (WMO) has developed a new name system that aims to alert threatened populations to the severity of approaching hurricanes, according to a press release from the National Hurricane Center.

crystal pepsiThe name system is the result of a recent study that determined that people are less threatened to prepare by hurricanes with female names, and, as a result, hurricanes with female names result in more casualties.

The new “two-name” naming system works by giving a storm a more threatening name when it grows in strength.

According to a Skip Stormyson, a spokesman for the WMO, the addition of safe “tame” names has opened up a marketable venue.

“We tried selling storm names before in the early 90s, but it was a colossal failure when Hurricane ‘Crystal Pepsi’ claimed several hundred lives along the gulf coast,” Stormyson said.


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Massachusetts successfully defies God’s wrath for ten years

In what can only be described as divine aberration, Massachusetts is set to successfully defy the wrath of God for ten consecutive years.

Saturday, May 17 will mark the 10-year anniversary of same-sex marriage in the state.

Not only have all of God’s attempts to inflict moral retribution upon the state been viciously blocked by Boston Bruins Goalie Tuukka Rask, but the state as a whole has managed to resist the temptation to slide down the slippery slope of incest and bestiality.gay marriage

Mass. Governor Duval Patrick said the avoidance of legalizing bestiality and incest in the wake of same-sex marriage was easier than it appeared from the outside.

“There was a moment during the congressional black mass, following the legalization of same-sex marriage, where the issue of legalizing a great number of unholy unions was discussed,” said Patrick. “But it was pretty obvious to everyone that if our dark plans of national soul corruption were to succeed that we needed to play it cool.

This is exactly what we’ve been doing for the last ten years. It’s no coincidence Massachussetts has the lowest divorce rate in the nation, and is consistently among the top in education and social mobility. It takes  a lot of looking good to convince America to be oh so bad, ya know what I’m saying? HAHAHA! This is off the record, right?”

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