Boston Mayor announces nuclear option for snow management

Boston Mayor Marty Walsh announced today that his office is looking into the use of tactical nuclear weapons as a means of snow removal.

Excess snow has become a problem for Boston as record snow fall of over 77 inches in three weeks has left the New England city without space to move the snow to.

According to information released by Walsh’s office, the snow would be hauled to cities which the state has determined as being expendable before being exposed to nuclear blasts.

W4ST9971.JPGThe announcement came as a shock to the nation as this makes Boston the first city to formally announce nuclear capability.

Walsh stressed that any decision to exercise this nuclear option would be thoroughly considered before being made.

“The safety protocol on Boston’s nuclear program is intricate and well-guarded,” said Walsh. “Only the most-trusted department of the Dropkick Murphys has the capability of nuclear deployment.”

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Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore begs U.S. Supreme Court to let him at least ban interracial gay marriage

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore is pleading with the U.S. Supreme Court after their 7-2 ruling that permits same-sex couples the legal right to marry in Alabama.

The high court’s ruling comes just a day after Moore attempted to forbid all probate judges from issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

The ruling has Moore pleading with the high court to allow him to, in Moore’s words, “pretty please let me use my position of power for at least a little bit of discrimination.”

In a press conference Moore announced that he has entered into negotiations to bar interracial, same-sex couples from marrying and that there should be a freeze on marriage licenses until that point.

Roy Moore, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court“The bible is clear on the matter that different kinds aren’t supposed to mingle,” said Moore. “When Noah was loading the ark he didn’t mismatch the animals, did he? When you’re getting up in the morning you don’t mix and match your socks, do you?!”

According to Moore, the execution of a same-sex, interracial marriage would represent a form of “double biblical jeopardy” which would “expedite the fire of judgment day by at least 7 percent.”

Moore announced that a DNA kit will be available for all applying for marriage licenses starting this Wednesday, and that the legal process should be at least postponed until the return of the DNA results.

“It would be wholly unfair to process these marriages only to discover later, after the DNA test results come back, that these people have a biblically, and Alabiblically, null and void contract,” said Moore.

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Objective sports fan looks forward to his team winning Super Bowl yet again

Local sports fan Nathaniel Fairweather said he looks forward to watching his favorite team win the Super Bowl for the eighteenth consecutive year.

sports team“I feel truly blessed that I am never let down,” said Fairweather. “Thanks to my abandonment of the typical, arbitrary fan model, I am free to root for the winner in every game.”

According to Fairweather, the freedom to switch sides all the way up until the last second of a game is the key to his successful fandom.

“There is also the benefit of being able to switch teams after a game when person who is sore about the loss is looking for a barroom brawl,” said Fairweather.

The only drawback according to Fairweather is that the cost of maintaining countless versions of fan clothing and useless tchotchkes is a financial burden, but the cost he says is worth it as he never has to feel illogical flashes of sadness as a team he isn’t even a part of gets paid handsomely to fail.

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Bradley Cooper murdered 17 men to prepare for his role in American Sniper

Bradley Cooper, the star of the blockbuster movie American Sniper, says he prepared for the role of sniper Chris Kyle by strangling 17 men to their deaths.

According to Cooper he used the murders as a method acting technique to help get into the mindset of Kyle.

chriskyle“I moved in with Kyle’s widow, legally married her and adopted his child. I then abandoned her on four occasions to go out strangling people,” said Cooper. “Then afterwards I wrote a book in which I fabricated a bar fight with Jesse Ventura.”

Cooper said that he arrived at the number 17 by using a complex formula that took into consideration the distance from his prey.

The formula used was the actual number of Kyle’s confirmed kills divided by 50 meters divided by the whites of their eyes divided by the brown of their skin.

“I really wanted to snipe 100 people, but some things you just can’t act,” said Cooper. “Plus, it would have been irresponsible and unsafe for an untrained sniper to just go out attempting to shoot people.”

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Darren Wilson not indicted just in time for annual, heated Thanksgiving dinner conversation

A St. Louis County grand jury declined to indict Officer Darren Wilson, 28, for totally not overreacting and firing six shots in an August confrontation that killed an unarmed, 18-year-old Michael Brown.

verdictYour ambiguously racist family members were already preparing their unrestrained gloating at press time.

“I just don’t know why all them protesters don’t focus their attention on black-on-black violence,” said your uncle, who doesn’t at all care about black-on-black violence, and has been focusing more attention on this case than he should have since there are obviously more important issues in the world.

“What is it about potentially systemic and clearly identifiable threats that get these people so roweled up?” your uncle added.

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Republicans take control of Senate, herald a thousand years of darkness.

blood poolRepublicans took control of the Senate during Tuesday’s mid-term elections, thus securing both chambers of Congress and fulfilling a dark, ancient prophecy.

At midday, Congressional leadership gathered before the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for the traditional mid-term sacrificial ceremony.

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U.S. to use targeted drone strikes to combat Ebola

Top military officials quietly announced plans today to eradicate Ebola through brute military force.

drone ebolaAccording to the brief document released on the Joint Cheifs of Staff’s tumblrs, the first stage of the noncontroversial plan involves targeting hospitals in stricken regions, such as West Africa, Dallas and Boston.

“This is entirely in our wheelhouse, as it is not unheard of for us to accidentally strike a hospital when meaning to hit a militant target,” reads the statement. “This time the hospitals are our targets, so if we miss the mark it can’t possibly get any worse. Right?”

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