Obama executively ordered the Pope to purchase healthcare that covers abortion

During their meeting this week, President Obama ordered Pope Francis to purchase a health care plan that covers abortions, according to a high-level source in the administration.

ImageInterestingly, abortion was the only service that this health care plan covered

“At first the Pope was having none of it,” said the anonymous source. “But after a little convincing, Francis just kind of shrugs it off, solemnly nods and is all like, ‘Sure, whatever, ‘when in Rome”

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Missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 revealed to be viral marketing campaign for Lost reboot

The world was stunned today after it was revealed that the mysterious disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 is really just a publicity stunt for the reboot of the hit ABC series Lost.

Distraught families of the passengers were overjoyed to hear the news.Image

In a group statement issued by the families they said the following: “We are extremely relieved to hear that Lost is to be rebooted. Hopefully the writers will have a clearer vision and will be able to tie up all the plot strands more succinctly this time around.”

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Pope Francis “fucking pissed” about Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar snub

The Vatican— Pope Francis issued a blistering denouncement of the Academy after it denied Leonardo DiCaprio yet another Oscar last night.

Pope Francis pleaded for the Academy to renounce its decision to award Matthew McConaughey or risk eternal hellfire.

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“I’m a reasonable guy,” said P. Francey. “But, trust me, you don’t want on my bad side, and right now I’m fucking pissed off.”

The Pope said DiCaprio’s brave on-screen portrayal of the evils of capitalism has secured what was already DiCaprio’s place at the right hand of the lord.

“Either give Leo his Oscar, or prepare for Hellfire, heathens.”

Stubhill contacted DiCaprio for comment and discovered the actor was in denial about his loss.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I won,” said DiCaprio. “How could I not win?

I’ve done my time, I’ve proven myself, how—how could I not win.”

DiCaprio then proceeded to repeat “how could I not win” as he walked away from the interview.

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Arizona Governor vetoes controversial anti-gay bill because it isn’t harsh enough

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the controversial anti-gay bill that would allow business owners to deny service to homosexuals.

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“This abhorrent, monstrosity of a bill doesn’t even come close to solving our state’s rampant homosexual epidemic,” said Brewer.

For the last several years Arizona has consistently topped the list of the least safe states for heterosexuals to live.

“I am vetoing this bill because it is too weak,” said Brewer. “Do not speak to me until you’ve crafted a law that mandates businesses to refuse service to thems gays!”

The crowd cheered as she climbed into a pickup truck driven by Joe Arpaio and sped off while shooting a shotgun into the air.

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Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas rules Democrats more racist than Republicans

In a landmark ruling today, Clarence Thomas decreed to the white, southern-conservative masses that they are better humans than northern liberals.

ImageThomas, who grew up in Savannah, GA., set the record straight about what groups of people were to be harshly and collectively judged based off of his personal negative experiences.

“The worst things that have been done to me, the worst things that have been said about me, [were] by northern liberal elites, not by the people of Savannah, Georgia,” said Thomas. “Therefor, by the power vested in me by the Constitution of the United States, I hereby declare liberals are racist.”

Liberal elites plan to contest the ruling, but, in light of Georgia’s Wilcox County holding its first ever interracial prom not even a year ago, it is expected to be an up-hill legal battle.

Your aunt is expected to share Thomas’ quote on Facebook in the coming days, once someone puts it on a picture of him.

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News anchor mistakes Jennifer Lawrence for Laurence Fishburne in embarrassing interview

Actress Jennifer Lawrence, who stars as the lead character in the Hunger Games movies, was confused for the actor Laurence Fishburne earlier today in an interview with a local, portly news anchor.

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When it became evident that all the questions had been prepared with Fishburne in mind, the starlet totes owned the anchor in what will soon to be a viral video.

Like, she said a lot of really cool, funny, off-the-cuff things that just let you know that she’s, like, you know, really down to Earth.

God, I love her.

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Iron Mike Tyson to fight George Zimmerman

After a sudden change of events, George Zimmerman will now be facing Mike Tyson in a celebrity boxing match scheduled for March 15.

Yesterday it was widely reported that rapper DMX, also known by his much more menacing birth name, Earl Simmons, was in talks to enter the ring with Zimmerman.

Today, however, right as DMX was about to sign the contract Mike Tyson, in one fluid, crazed motion, exploded out from the crowd of onlookers, knocked DMX out, grabbed the pen in midair and signed the contract instead.

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“I look forward to being a part of what future anthropologists will surely refer to as ‘the decisive moment when American culture and human decency jumped the shark,” said Tyson.

The match is expected to be to race relations what the recent Bill Nye and Ken Ham debate was to the national dialogue over evolution.

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