Morgan Freeman, the actor best known as starring as Nelson Mandela, passed away today at the age of 95.
His role as Mandela was perhaps his most committed role, one in which he actually spent 27 years in prison.
Sacha Baron Cohen once stated that Freeman’s performance as Mandela was what inspired much of his career.
The Mandela performance art piece was so realistic that most of the world still believes to this day that Freeman and Mandela are two different people.
University of Alabama coach Nick Saban and Auburn University coach Gus Malzahn held a pre-game press conference today where they announced that both schools would be cancelling their football programs at the end of the season.
The announcement comes just hours before the hotly anticipated Iron Bowl, the state’s big college rivalry game.
“Alabama has been too low in educational rankings for too long to focus this much collective energy towards a sport,” said Saban. “We have been in numerous meetings with Governor Bentley and various public education officials and we have decided on a path towards better education of our youth, and it starts with the voluntary end to the two biggest symbols of putting sports over education in the south: the Alabama and Auburn football programs.”
While Saban was delivering this message, Malzahn was in the background adorning a tribal mask.
Upon completion of his speech, Saban turned just in time to watch Malzahn plunge a spear into his chest.
Malzahn smeared Saban’s blood across his chest before taking the microphone and loudly proclaiming “WAR EAGLE!”
Every single Texas Republican signed a petition to secede last night after President Obama pardoned Popcorn, this year’s annual presidential pardon.
“It seems like every year we hear about this president abusing his authority by pardoning yet another turkey,” said Texas Gov. Rick Perry. “And in so doing, this lame duck president continues to show his true feathers. This president ain’t nothing but a jive turkey.”
The Make-A-Wish Foundation, a non-profit organization that grants wishes to children afflicted with life-threatening conditions, announced today that it had mistakenly granted the wish of infinite wishes to 7-year-old Damien Thorn.
“We have a strict protocol that was supposed to prevent this from ever happening, but somewhere along the line the system must have failed,” said David A. Williams, the president of the foundation.
After the infinite wish was granted Thorn apparently wasted no time before wishing that his cancer be cured, but it wasn’t much longer before he began to recognize the full capacity of his wishes.
“The little bastard is now immortal, the richest person in the world, can eat ice cream for dinner, and no longer has a bedtime,” said Williams.
According to Williams, our best shot at survival has already used his one wish.
In a tweet earlier today from Sarah Palin, the former star of TLC reality show Sarah Palin’s Alaska, she expressed outrage over the $20 million in emergency aid the U.S. is sending to the Philippines
Palin apparently mistook Tacloban City for the Taliban, a group that was not directly responsible for the September 11th terror attacks, but did provide safe haven for those who were.
Palin doubled down on her assertion by exerting an existential justification for her statement based upon a philosophy of universal interconnections.
When pressed for a retraction on CNN’s The Shituation Room with Wolf Blitzer, she rolled her eyes before launching into this defense.
“Wolf, hear me out, all things now are dependent on all things prior,” Palin said with a flair reminiscent of of some college freshman who just really connected with some book.
“So, therefore, everything prior to 9/11 was instrumental to that event’s occurrence,” Palin continued. “Do you really think that if the Philippines hadn’t existed that 9/11 would have happened? Not likely. Don’t be naive, bro.”
Blitzer’s mind was visibly blown.
Today Stubhill News’ journalists emerged from the bunker they retreated to two weeks after the federal government shutdown of 2013.
They were admittedly a little embarrassed to discover that the shutdown ended two days after their decision to avoid what seemed like imminent social upheaval.