Bradley Cooper murdered 17 men to prepare for his role in American Sniper

Bradley Cooper, the star of the blockbuster movie American Sniper, says he prepared for the role of sniper Chris Kyle by strangling 17 men to their deaths.

According to Cooper he used the murders as a method acting technique to help get into the mindset of Kyle.

chriskyle“I moved in with Kyle’ widow, legally married her and adopted his child. I then abandoned her on four occasions to go out strangling people,” said Cooper. “Then afterwards I wrote a book in which I fabricated a bar fight with Jesse Ventura.”

Cooper said that he arrived at the number 17 by using a complex formula that took into consideration the distance from his prey.

The formula used was the actual number of Kyle’s confirmed kills divided by 50 meters divided by the whites of their eyes divided by the brown of their skin.

“I really wanted to snipe 100 people, but some things you just can’t act,” said Cooper. “Plus, it would have been irresponsible and unsafe for an untrained sniper to just go out attempting to shoot people.”

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Darren Wilson not indicted just in time for annual, heated Thanksgiving dinner conversation

A St. Louis County grand jury declined to indict Officer Darren Wilson, 28, for totally not overreacting and firing six shots in an August confrontation that killed an unarmed, 18-year-old Michael Brown.

verdictYour ambiguously racist family members were already preparing their unrestrained gloating at press time.

“I just don’t know why all them protesters don’t focus their attention on black-on-black violence,” said your uncle, who doesn’t at all care about black-on-black violence, and has been focusing more attention on this case than he should have since there are obviously more important issues in the world.

“What is it about potentially systemic and clearly identifiable threats that get these people so roweled up?” your uncle added.

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Republicans take control of Senate, herald a thousand years of darkness.

blood poolRepublicans took control of the Senate during Tuesday’s mid-term elections, thus securing both chambers of Congress and fulfilling a dark, ancient prophecy.

At midday, Congressional leadership gathered before the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for the traditional mid-term sacrificial ceremony.

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U.S. to use targeted drone strikes to combat Ebola

Top military officials quietly announced plans today to eradicate Ebola through brute military force.

drone ebolaAccording to the brief document released on the Joint Cheifs of Staff’s tumblrs, the first stage of the noncontroversial plan involves targeting hospitals in stricken regions, such as West Africa, Dallas and Boston.

“This is entirely in our wheelhouse, as it is not unheard of for us to accidentally strike a hospital when meaning to hit a militant target,” reads the statement. “This time the hospitals are our targets, so if we miss the mark it can’t possibly get any worse. Right?”

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Republicans vow to block Eric Holder’s resignation, announce lawsuit

Republican leadership issued a statement this morning which revealed plans to obstruct the resignation of Attorney General Eric Holder.

Eric Holder“This is just another example in a long list of where the current administration is in the wrong,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), “there are checks and balances, and we intend to make sure they remain.”

Boehner announced his party would be suing the administration on the grounds that Republican opposition to Obama’s administration and its policies has become the single pillar of the GOP party, and a policy action which they agree with will damage the brand which they have built for themselves, and thus do them monetary harm.

“We can’t possibly afford to obediently accept the resignation of Mr. Holder,” Boehner said, “and this is a position which you’ve put us in. Thanks, Obama.”

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California unveils nation’s first “all-natural” lethal injection

California Governor Jerry Brown announced today that future death row inmates will be lethally injected using a blend of all-natural, GMO-free superfoods.

Clinching a lusciously-ripe, halved avocado in his left hand, Brown proclaimed “we in the great state of California are prepared to put the days of ending prisoner’s lives with toxic, unnatural chemicals behind us.”

avocadoA press release from Trader Joe’s, the maker of the state’s new lethal injection says the injection is “guaranteed to be all-natural, GMO-free, and gluten-free.”

Brown said the prisoners would first be induced into a natural state of unconsciousness using 20 mg of melatonin and repeated blows to the cranium.

An  environmentally friendly composting plan was also announced for the remains of the executed prisoners.

The move comes in response to a recent federal district judge’s decision that California’s death penalty was in violation of the 8th amendment’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment.

Other states have also been moving to try different methods of execution.

Alabama recently announced a plan to have all of its death row inmates executed by its Chief Justice Roy Moore with stone replicas of the Ten Commandments

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Newly orphaned 11-year-old Palestinian completely understands why his family had to die

flagKhalid Hadawi, an 11 year old whose apartment was destroyed by Israeli Defense Force munitions, said he completely understands why his whole family had to die and that the event will certainly not be the basis for severe emotional trauma or hatred for Israel.

In a press release, a blood-and-tear-soaked Hadawi said:

“Hey, how can I blame Israel? They were nice enough to drop leaflets telling us to evacuate the safety of our home into a city that is currently under bombardment. It’s obviously my family’s fault. I’m definitely not going to be emotionally traumatized and develop a hatred for Israel deeply rooted in the ashes of my home and the blood of my slain family members.That would just be irrational! I mean, who does that? I don’t want to be that guy.”

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