Researchers discover best way to stop an argument


Scientists have discovered that one simple bodily function can resolve a heated argument.

The breakthrough occurred yesterday when Harvard scientist Dr. Passé D’Gassé ran the experiment during his family’s Thanksgiving dinner.

D’Gassé discovered that overwhelming his family’s olfactory and auditory senses had the immediate effect of ending several arguments throughout the night.

“It’s a forgotten fact that passing one’s gas used to be a staple of diplomacy, in fact, many a well-timed stinker have won entire arguments,” said political analyst Barry Manilow. “Sadly, the art fell out of public favor after Richard Nixon relied too heavily on the technique during the 1960 Presidential debates.”


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The only tip you need to avoid heated political arguments this Thanksgiving


We’ve all been there, a perfectly peaceful Thanksgiving dinner ruined because one person decides it’s time to grind a political ax.

While the situation might seem hopeless, behavioral psychologists agree that this one tip, if exercised correctly, can end any political argument, no matter how tense.

According to mounds of research, one can easily diffuse a heated situation before it gets too awkward by simply grabbing a fistful of stuffing and gently forcing it into the offending party’s mouth.

“It’s a forgotten fact of Thanksgiving that this use is where stuffing originally got its name from,” said Harvard behavioral psychologist Barry Manilow.

Manilow advised that it is best to be prepared to shove more mouths full of stuffing, as onlookers might decide to raise objection to your tactic.

While some may be opposed at first, they will quickly reach true understanding once the stuffing overwhelms their sense of taste and subdues the outrage center of the brain.

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New Daylight Savings Time to spur U.S. economy with endless Christmas shopping

daylight article

Congress passed a bill Wednesday designed to keep consumers in a state of perpetual holiday shopping.

The law will require all U.S. territories to set their calendars back exactly one month on the Sunday following Christmas, effectively creating a never-ending monthly cycle of Black Friday sales events.

The stock market responded favorably to the news as companies began to raise guidance in anticipation of the indefinitely-extended fourth quarter.

Representatives from the mental health industry cautioned that they will not be prepared in time to take the increased patient load due to over-stressed retail workers.

However, they also said that this does not mean they are against the bill, because “gifts.”

President Obama said he was eager to sign the bill into law.

“The law will certainly spur growth in several economic sectors,” said Obama. “Not only that, but I never have to leave office now that election day will never come.”

While the development of Obama’s now endless second term would seem likely to draw ire from the president’s usual detractors, the promise of a Christmas every month has Republicans satisfied.

“It’s kind of like taking a sensual swim through a swimming pool-sized banana split sundae ordained by our lord and savior Jesus Christ,” said Republican food analogist Mike Huckabee. “You just can’t be mad.”

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Trump: maybe shooting of Black Lives Matter protesters justified

trumpIn response to a question about last night’s shooting of five Black Lives Matter protesters in Minneapolis, Republican presidential front runner and comedian Donald Trump said “maybe they should have been shot up.”

The response mirrors a statement Trump made about a recent event at a campaign rally where one protester was roughed up.

In related news, Trump’s candidacy is causing an amateur satirist to ask himself some really hard questions about the kind of person he is.

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Pope Francis declares war on Christmas


Pope Francis declared war on Christmas today by issuing a statement claiming the sacred capitalist holiday a “charade.”

While drinking Starbucks and standing at the Vatican balcony, the Pope proclaimed that Christmas would be “a charade” this year because “the world continues to wage war,” whatever that means.

According to the Pope, Christians should supposedly turn their focus to those suffering under conditions of war and poverty rather than exchanging sweet electronics and cute nicknacks.

The total buzzkill move from Francis was not unexpected as he is a total Marxist, socialist commie with liberal leanings.

Stubhill has reached out to the Vatican to ask why the Pope hates Jesus, the Vatican has not responded.

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Trump buys new Star Wars film, will release when elected

BOSTON—At a speech in Worcester, MA last night, Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump announced he has acquired the distributions rights for the new Star Wars film.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I did it!” Trump announced to the roaring crowd. “My net worth in combination with my campaign funding – I have finally acquired the ‘Trump’ card in my candidacy.”

Trump paused briefly and was visibly surprised his loyal supporters did not comprehend or appreciate the pun.

“I promise not to interfere with the production of the new trilogy and spin-offs,” said Darth Trump. “The only difference is that in order to grant the public the right to see my new films, you need to elect me president.”

As the room fell silent a chained and scantily clad JJ Abrams sobbing became audible.

“I didn’t think it would lead to this,” Abrams said wistfully. “I was so excited to have all this new capital invested into my vision. CGI is expensive and as Jar Jar is a main character, we needed it for every scene.”

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders responded to the announcement at a press event.

“We as a people need to unite against this travesty,” shouted Sanders. “Star Wars is a human right that should be experienced by all.”

Fox News reporter Barry Manilow angrily interrupted Sanders.

“So you want to socialize Star Wars, too?” asked Manilow before adding that people actually used to have to work for the Star Wars they got.

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“Hit The Road Jack” to replace Statue of Liberty poem

statue of liberty

Today it was announced that lyrics to “Hit The Road Jack” would replace the culturally-outdated poem “The New Colossus” on the Statue of Liberty.

The decision comes after 31 trembling United States governors requested the change in a petition.

The governors argued that the new artistic selection is more appropriate in light of the nation’s current core values of fear and exclusion.

“It’s clear that the American people already have very little interest in the homeless we already have,” said New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. “Bringing in new homeless, let alone wretched refuse and the tempest-tost, just seems ill advised in today’s cultural climate. It’s time to lower the lamp beside the golden door, and to say ‘hit the road, Jack.”

“And don’t ya come back no more no more no more,” added Cuomo’s personal R&B choir.

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