What type of personality quiz are you?

ImageYou already know what fictional character, dog, mythological god, and potted plant you are, but what type of personality quiz are you?
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National Hurricane Center announces new naming system

The World Meteorological Organization (WMO) has developed a new name system that aims to alert threatened populations to the severity of approaching hurricanes, according to a press release from the National Hurricane Center.

crystal pepsiThe name system is the result of a recent study that determined that people are less threatened to prepare by hurricanes with female names, and, as a result, hurricanes with female names result in more casualties.

The new “two-name” naming system works by giving a storm a more threatening name when it grows in strength.

According to a Skip Stormyson, a spokesman for the WMO, the addition of safe “tame” names has opened up a marketable venue.

“We tried selling storm names before in the early 90s, but it was a colossal failure when Hurricane ‘Crystal Pepsi’ claimed several hundred lives along the gulf coast,” Stormyson said.

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Massachusetts successfully defies God’s wrath for ten years

In what can only be described as divine aberration, Massachusetts is set to successfully defy the wrath of God for ten consecutive years.

Saturday, May 17 will mark the 10-year anniversary of same-sex marriage in the state.

Not only have all of God’s attempts to inflict moral retribution upon the state been viciously blocked by Boston Bruins Goalie Tuukka Rask, but the state as a whole has managed to resist the temptation to slide down the slippery slope of incest and bestiality.gay marriage

Mass. Governor Duval Patrick said the avoidance of legalizing bestiality and incest in the wake of same-sex marriage was easier than it appeared from the outside.

“There was a moment during the congressional black mass, following the legalization of same-sex marriage, where the issue of legalizing a great number of unholy unions was discussed,” said Patrick. “But it was pretty obvious to everyone that if our dark plans of national soul corruption were to succeed that we needed to play it cool.

This is exactly what we’ve been doing for the last ten years. It’s no coincidence Massachussetts has the lowest divorce rate in the nation, and is consistently among the top in education and social mobility. It takes  a lot of looking good to convince America to be oh so bad, ya know what I’m saying? HAHAHA! This is off the record, right?”

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Obama executively ordered the Pope to purchase healthcare that covers abortion

During their meeting this week, President Obama ordered Pope Francis to purchase a health care plan that covers abortions, according to a high-level source in the administration.

ImageInterestingly, abortion was the only service that this health care plan covered

“At first the Pope was having none of it,” said the anonymous source. “But after a little convincing, Francis just kind of shrugs it off, solemnly nods and is all like, ‘Sure, whatever, ‘when in Rome”

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Missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 revealed to be viral marketing campaign for Lost reboot

The world was stunned today after it was revealed that the mysterious disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 is really just a publicity stunt for the reboot of the hit ABC series Lost.

Distraught families of the passengers were overjoyed to hear the news.Image

In a group statement issued by the families they said the following: “We are extremely relieved to hear that Lost is to be rebooted. Hopefully the writers will have a clearer vision and will be able to tie up all the plot strands more succinctly this time around.”

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Pope Francis “fucking pissed” about Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar snub

The Vatican— Pope Francis issued a blistering denouncement of the Academy after it denied Leonardo DiCaprio yet another Oscar last night.

Pope Francis pleaded for the Academy to renounce its decision to award Matthew McConaughey or risk eternal hellfire.

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“I’m a reasonable guy,” said P. Francey. “But, trust me, you don’t want on my bad side, and right now I’m fucking pissed off.”

The Pope said DiCaprio’s brave on-screen portrayal of the evils of capitalism has secured what was already DiCaprio’s place at the right hand of the lord.

“Either give Leo his Oscar, or prepare for Hellfire, heathens.”

Stubhill contacted DiCaprio for comment and discovered the actor was in denial about his loss.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I won,” said DiCaprio. “How could I not win?

I’ve done my time, I’ve proven myself, how—how could I not win.”

DiCaprio then proceeded to repeat “how could I not win” as he walked away from the interview.

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Arizona Governor vetoes controversial anti-gay bill because it isn’t harsh enough

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the controversial anti-gay bill that would allow business owners to deny service to homosexuals.

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“This abhorrent, monstrosity of a bill doesn’t even come close to solving our state’s rampant homosexual epidemic,” said Brewer.

For the last several years Arizona has consistently topped the list of the least safe states for heterosexuals to live.

“I am vetoing this bill because it is too weak,” said Brewer. “Do not speak to me until you’ve crafted a law that mandates businesses to refuse service to thems gays!”

The crowd cheered as she climbed into a pickup truck driven by Joe Arpaio and sped off while shooting a shotgun into the air.

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